Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Goodbye to my brother Chase, the consummate survivor.

I get hit by moments of unbearable sadness several times a day and all I can do is cry it out and remind myself that you are okay now. Heaven is surely much better than this place. There you are young again, free from pain and suffering.

I miss those great big cherub eyes, your disastrous fat tail and clumsy giant paws. I miss your enormous and heavy head on my lap, your horrible farts in the middle of the night, your loud-ass snoring, your James Earl Jones sounding bark, your impatient howling when its dinner time, your morning wake up sneeze on my face. I miss everything about you buddy.

I know you were the one who kept peeing in the band room and that's okay. Tumtum peed on the bed and Padfoot peed on Paulo so you guys are all off the hook.

Watch over us always, make sure Tumtum finishes his food and Padfoot behaves himself and doesn't go through the dog food bag when were not home.

I have been with you almost everyday for 8 long years, and the day I first met you, it was love at first sight. At first I didn't want to adopt a dog because I said I didn't have time to care for one plus I was scared to be emotionally attached because I know this day would come. But when I saw you, I immediately loved you with all my heart, I promised I would care for you and protect you. And I did. And in turn you gave me your unconditional love, the comfort of your presence and two beautiful sons.

We are your fourth family and sometimes I cannot help but wonder how could your previous foster family put you up for adoption when you are the best friend anyone could ask for, but I'm glad they did because then we wouldn't have the blessing that was you.

The only time I felt close to this kind of grief was when you decided to swim during Typhoon Ondoy and we feared that we lost you forever. But you were tough, you survived and we called you our immortal dog. But now, I know I'll never be ever to hold you again and that is the toughest part of losing someone.

I know this grief will pass and in time only the happy memories will remain. Our baths, our walks, our cuddles, you helping me out in the kitchen, our talks, our games, our adventures, how you would remove my socks for me, how you would chase after me and snap at my butt when I roller blade around you, how you would wake me up every morning by nuzzling me... we have so much happy memories my Cheesy Poofs. But for now, it's just really hard to get used to your absence.

You were the one who kept me sane all those years I was living alone. You took all my stress and problems away with a simple wag of your tail. With you, I became a better person. Thank you for teaching me all these Chase; because everyday I strive to be the person you believed me to be.

Your kids are missing you, but don't worry about them, they have me and Paulo. We will do our best to give them the best home we can provide.

I love you Chase. You are my first and oldest dog. At 13-15 years old, you've lived a good long life filled with happiness and love. Enjoy Heaven and say hello to God for me. I pray everyday that he will make you your favorite spaghetti and meatballs and give you lots of tennis balls to play with.

Remember how I used to sing Puff the Magic Dragon to you? Well right now, I feel like I'm Puff and you're Jackie Paper.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentines Day

In line with this month's theme, I'm going to write an update on how the great love and I are doing. It's been almost 4 months since I wrote about our love story, and almost 6 months from when it all started (when we met again after 4 years, that is). Want to know how we're doing?

"I love him more today than yesterday." ❤

Everything, to put it simply, is perfect. This is not an overstatement. Of course we are not immune from the usual petty arguments stemming from jealousies, insecurities, misunderstandings and all the other crazy human stuff that normal couples get upset about. I used the term perfect because every morning I wake up and feel so incredibly happy, and I go to bed every night feeling so incredibly thankful that Paulo and I are back together.

Everyday, I thank god for all his blessings and I cannot help but ask, "Why me?", but in a positive way, you know.

I mean, I know I'm not that good a person to begin with, but why do I have overflowing blessings? Getting back together with Paulo, a great job that I love, my family including my three boys are all in good health, my friends are doing well on their own, etc.

There are so many things that I am so ridiculously grateful for that when Paulo asked me what I wanted for Christmas last year, it was the first time that I ever really meant it 100% when I said


What do I want? As in material stuff? I could not think of anything. Well, now that I'm writing this, maybe the hardbound The Hobbit Book I saw in Fullybooked or maybe a new set of colored pencils, but I don't want them enough to ask for them or even want them enough to buy them for myself. I just thought of them now because I forced myself to think of stuff that I would like to get if a gun was pointed at my head and I was coerced to buy something.

But seriously, I have more than I need and could ever want. I haven't been very fond of material things.. sure I do like to dress up sometimes so it follows that I like clothes and shoes, I like owning actual copies of books and sometimes I do have negligible fits of GAS (gear acquisition syndrome). But lately, I seriously could not think of anything that I wanted. Every time I stop to reflect, I feel like my heart would burst from happiness. No exaggeration.

My real hobbies, of course, are travelling and eating out but I know travel is a bit out of the question now since I no longer have a maid whom I can entrust my dogs to and eating out we can do anytime anyway.

So when Paulo asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I simply said I wanted to spend it with him. I know it sounds super corny and I would never have thought that I could actually say something so cliche and mean it too.

I'm head over heels in love so give me a break guys. :))

For us, it's that level of in love that every time we read an article such as "10 signs your in the right relationship blah blah blah" or something similarly cheesy, we immediately agree with all the signs. We'd go "yeah, that's us!"

 Yeah we are super love drunk, I know, but the great part is we don't feel the need to apologize for our cheesiness even though we know how sickeningly sweet we can be, especially to love-phobes like my friend Alex (shout out to agbonski!).

Not only do we get along great but I really feel like we have matured and we are more open and honest about everything. Our lines of communication are far better now than it were 4 years ago. 

No more mind games for us. It may sound boring to those who like drama in their relationship but let me assure you that we have no need for forced drama because Paulo is not only super sweet and thoughtful, but he excites me so I do not feel the need to create drama to keep myself all giddy. I am guilty of being somewhat a relationship drama queen before. 

So happy Valentine's day to everyone. If you are in love, stay happy. if you're a sceptic or if you're heartbroken, please don't ruin it for everyone else, if you simply don't care, well then you won't mind all the hearts day drama anyway. Whatever your stand is on valentines day, let me greet you from the bottom of my chocolate covered with sprinkles on top marshmallow heart. �� 

We won't be doing anything traditionally romantic tomorrow because its Chase's and Padfoot's birthday on the 16th and 15th respectively so we'll be prioritizing that. Instead we will be celebrating valentines next week at Manila Screampark. I hope it's not the snore fest that people say it is.

My life is not perfect, but I live everyday like it is. ❤❤❤

Happy valentines!!

Here are some photos of us over the months:
(instagram @jocylfroot)
caught making me breakfast --My sexy chef

when your best friends get along with your boyfriend like they themselves are bossom bodies, take that as a good sign :)

how I missed Lolo Daddy! 

even Garage Sales are made fun when he and I are together

I have more time for my babies and they are getting the attention and love they deserve because Paulo loves my dogs just as much

Mr Tumnas has always been Paulo's baby. Sometimes I hear Pau talking to Tumtum asking hin if he is the same puppy he left 4 years ago, 'coz he's gigantic now!

If Paulo have his mermaid tattoo of me, I have this turtle tattoo of him :)

Was not convinced that I had to sell my toys at the garage sale so Paulo gave them a home inside his bass drum

goofing around after setting up the band room

playing parents with his brother's daughter

I couldn't get him to have me draw on him Anthony Pettis brows so I drew Helga ones on mine instead

It's really cool that Paulo gets along so well with the people most dear to me 

Monday, November 25, 2013

Being an atheist does not make you evil

Sometimes, atheism is good. It forces people take responsibility for their actions and give credit where credit is due and not simply blame or give credit to a divine being for whatever shit that happens or haven't happened yet. Atheism makes people more mindful of their actions because they simply could not ask for forgiveness and expect to be forgiven.

May you be an atheist, agnostic or religious (whatever religion), I frankly do not care. But I would seriously care if you keep forcing your beliefs down my throat and act all self-righteous. Plus, contrary to religious fanatics' beliefs, being an atheist does not make you evil. Being a Satanist makes you evil --duh.

But I am not an atheist FYI.  I believe in God, magic and aliens. I firmly believe there is a higher power, that there are things beyond science and that extra-terrestrial beings are too busy to visit us.

Point is, I'm saying that being an atheist is not bad at all. Live and let live IMO. Whatever floats your boat.

I am an Agnostic Theist who believes that there is a God, but I do not know who or what he/she/it is. I do not understand God. I do not claim to understand God. I don't think I ever will. Leave me alone.

And also, religious fanatics, please do not spawn.


Here's a link to the article that inspired this post

When God isn't on the guest list

My past post on my opinion on religion

Monday, November 11, 2013

Climate Change - How to Help the Victims of Typhoon Hayan

A lot of people would laugh at me for my obsession with environmental preservation. I seriously get all irate and crazy when I see people doing seemingly petty things like litter, waste water, refuse to segregate the trash or refuse to walk or bike even short distances and opt to go all lazy and take public transport or take their car. These are small things that add up!! Let me see you laugh now, insensitive jerks! Climate change will continue to fuck our country over and over again with super typhoons.

If you really want to help the victims of Typhoon Hayan, don't stop at making donations or volunteering every time there is a calamity, start by changing your lifestyle and doing your part as a steward of this earth.

Sorry, not sorry for the rant. Global warming and climate change is as real as the sky is blue. it's not a laughing matter. it's not a joke. it's not a trend that comes and goes. it's real, it's happening now. Let us all do our part to reduce carbon emissions by making smart choices and caring for our only home.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Coming home at last: A love story

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who met a young boy and they fell in love. How they met was not particularly romantic, and it definitely wasn’t love at first sight, but what they had was so real. Their love was fueled with so much passion and fire that quick as their story was, they left behind a trail of memories burned into people whose lives they have shared. It ended as quickly as it started, but everyone remembered how good they had it.

Anger, spite and pride engulfed the love that they once shared, until it was nothing but a mere memory. A very wispy memory numbed by the pain they caused each other. Years have passed, relationships were formed… There were long moments when they forgot about each other. Moments lived purely in the present oblivious to the happy reminiscences of times long-gone.

But something was always missing, yet they were too proud and too hurt to realize what needed to be done. Call it fate, call it destiny, call it what you want –but one day, the cosmos aligned for them to meet again. It was the hand of god, the doing of somebody bigger than all of us, which brought the two of them back together. This time, they were older, wiser and this time, they knew how it felt to live life without the other.
That girl was me... and the boy was Paulo. 

This is my story.

We met at a party thrown by a not so very close friend –I knew the girl, Paulo knew the boyfriend. As soon as I arrived, I was immediately “matched” with Paulo. I don’t know why... maybe because I looked like the kind of girl who would go for the dirty little rocker types. He wasn’t really my type then. Too skinny, too brooding... I usually went for the handbag type guys... you know those hunky types you use as accessories and as a trophy to show off to family and friends. I didn’t really care if they had a brain; I usually fell in love with their gorgeous physique and chiseled features –sense of humor and wit optional.

That night I caught myself going into the room where he was, several times, just to get a glimpse of him. We didn’t really get to know each other that night but the next day, I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I was really intrigued with him to be honest. It was infatuation lvl 9000. There was something about him. I don’t know what it was.

I didn’t have his number and he didn’t have a Myspace account but luckiliy, one of his friends gave me his number. I’ve actually never made the first move on a guy before, but for Paulo’s case, I made an exception.

I can’t remember what I first said to him to start the conversation. He said it was something like “hey sexy” but we really can’t remember exactly. I don’t know how we got to talking about music, bands, movies and then more serious topics like ideas, beliefs, life, etc. but we did.

After that first text, I was texting with him like a maniac. We talked about anything and everything almost the whole day. Nothing mushy, nothing flirty at all and I marveled at how intelligent he was. He was a fountain of knowledge –my internal dictionary and encyclopedia was challenged. But he wasn’t just book smart... He was street smart, witty, insightful and funny. I actually never met a guy like him before –I can honestly declare that I found him to be my intellectual equal.

He was the first person I thought of when I woke up, the last person on my mind before I slept. This was around April 2008. Whenever I made plans to go out, Paulo would always be on top of my “to invite” list –I didn’t mean to and I didn’t even notice it, but I was courting him big time. I really liked him. His brain was something I coveted and the brooding sexiness was just an added bonus. However, Paulo proved to be a challenge and confusion –I was never sure if he was just shy or if he simply wasn’t interested in me at all. Every time I asked him out he couldn’t just say yes right away, he’d always find a way to draw things out before I could get him to come with. He became a game I was determined to win. But I lost my own game.

After hanging out a few times, he started to show signs that he liked me too. He started inviting me to his gigs and all that. I didn’t know when or how exactly it happened –But I fell in love.

Right about the same time I decided to let go and jump right into the pool of crazy in love juju, not caring if I break my neck when I land, I realized he liked me too.

There were no formal declarations, we just started seeing each other regularly –regular meaning every waking hour, we were together. It’s like we were a couple but no words were spoken to make it official.

It was July 11, 2008 –After Redhorse Muziklaban Auditions at Freedom Bar Anonas when I manned up and asked Paulo what we were exactly. He told me we were boyfriend-girlfriend and so it was made official, we were a couple. We weren’t like normal couples who did all the mushy stuff like monthsaries but its just nice to remember that day.

We were super in love. We got along like bread and butter. Our interests were almost identical. Whatever he introduced to me I genuinely liked, and vice versa. We talked, we played, and we laughed. We were over our heads in love. We just didn’t know it then. All we knew was that we always had to be together. Not being with each other even for a few hours felt so wrong.

Everything turned sour when I graduated college and he was still studying at the Conservatory of Music. I worked the night shift and we barely had time for each other. He was jealous of everybody, he wanted to control me and his jealousy and lack of trust drove me insane. For my part, I always picked a fight every time I missed him –at that time I didn’t realize it was how I felt. I just remember always finding something or someone to fight over so I could get his attention. When we fought, we hurled words at each we didn’t mean. But I would always end up chasing after him, cry outside their house (in the rain!) like a pathetic excuse of a human being begging him to talk to me. He was too proud and simple quarrels were stretched to days.

Then I got tired, as I was wont to be. I came to a point that instead of assuring him, my black little heart found ways to spite him. I was in no mood to nurture his insecurities anymore and our fights got worst, still I always ended up chasing him, begging him to make it okay. I loved him, I really, really did. This went on for months. I drank almost every day. I always came home drunk then I would cry myself to sleep. Every day, I came to the office eyes swollen from crying. I lost weight. I lost my sense of self. My friends and family were telling me to let it go. Move on, this wasn’t right anymore.

We were on a roller coaster ride of love-hate and our relationship was doomed for destruction. One day, after almost 5 months of relationship drama (we went out for a year), my patience could no longer take it and the love that I once felt for Paulo –it could no longer be felt. At that time, I thought that I actually fell out of love. Years later, I realized that the love was still there, it was simply overpowered with anger. I hated him for making me feel so worthless. I hated him for making me look like a fool. I hated him. I wished for nothing else but to see his corpse and smile. When I broke up with Paulo, the tables were turned and perhaps he realized then how much I meant to him because he started chasing after me. But for me it was too little too late. Leaving him was not enough; I wanted to hurt him bad.

It just so happened that there was this guy in the office who liked me. He really wasn’t my type at all. He was the jock-y type and I never did feel any chemistry with him. But everybody was rooting for us, so when he said he knew Paulo (they were childhood friends and neighbors), a jackpot bell sounded in my head. How awesome would it be to go out with this guy and spite the hell out of Paulo? Today, I couldn’t believe I would sink to as low as using an innocent person as a pawn –I was the new Queen I’ll take the King. However, this guy was super nice. Despite the fact that I felt no chemistry with him, despite the fact that I admittedly manipulated him into liking me even more than he already did, at one point I think I actually felt a little love for him. He was really such a nice person. He was like a puppy. He was so different from Paulo.
If during that time, Paulo was making any moves to get back together, I didn’t see it. I was too blinded by hate.

Throughout the course of my short relationship with rebound guy, he bored me to no end and I always felt that something was missing. I found myself bullying him all the time I wanted to control him and I made him feel like he would never be good enough. I didn’t do it consciously of course, but I caught myself doing it many times, still I did not stop. I had too much hate and anger in me. It was safe to say that he had me at my worst and for that I am deeply sorry. He was an innocent casualty.

After rebound guy came another guy. He was as gay as they come, but he had a kid (so i think that made him straight) and he seemed pretty responsible so I thought, what the hell? Again, this guy was so different from Paulo. I was surprised at how fast I fell in love with him. We did not have anything in common and I was constantly met with quizzical looks as if to say “are you sure?” every time I introduced him to my family and friends. Despite not having anything in common, I made a conscious decision that I wanted him to last more than a year. The thought of marrying him was tolerable. He seemed stable career wise, he was family oriented, he had a life plan and he looked like he would not give me any drama.

If I was a monster to the rebound guy, I was an angel to this guy. It was like I wasn’t myself at all. I submitted to him. I catered to him. It’s like I wanted to erase the wrong things I did to rebound guy. I wanted to change.

To everyone, we looked like the perfect couple despite our personalities that were as different as night and day. Everyone expected us to be forever, even me. Everything seemed final and in place when we finally took his child to live with us. I fell in love with his little girl just when our differences were starting to take its toll and I was falling out of love. Not only did he bore me to no end but I hated who I have become. Still I held on to him. I kept thinking that something could be done, I could be fun for both of us. We could earn more money and go to more places and maybe then we would be happy.

While to everyone else, we were a picture perfect family –deep inside, I was broken. Despite my unhappiness, I held on, I wanted to prove something. I wanted to show people that I could make this work. I wanted to prove to myself that I was not a fickle pickle.

The second year of our relationship I fell into a deep state of depression, probably as bad as the time I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I couldn’t leave him. I tried but I can’t. I felt so sorry for him because I knew how much I meant to him and to his child. I asked him for my freedom but he won’t give it, he gave me something else. He gave me a long leash. I started going out with my friends and for the last year of our relationship I felt I was single, except that I had to come home every day, take care of the child and sleep in the same bed with him. All my romantic philosophies were gone and my beliefs changed so drastically. I was happy, but it was an empty kind of happy. I was happy but he was not part of that happiness.

This year, I started thinking about Paulo. Wondering what he was up to and all that. I added him on Facebook and sometimes we would comment on each other’s stuff but that was about it. One time I messaged him about making me a playlist (he was my human ‘Genius’) for running. That time I didn’t feel like I wanted him, it just felt like after almost 4 years, I no longer hated him and I wanted him back in my life. Not in a romantic way. After all, of all the boyfriends I have had, Paulo was a friend to me. We were like two peas in a pod and we shared so much in common.

It was August 25 when I first saw Paulo again. It was sort of an accident that we saw him –although it was at my insistence that we drove to their neighborhood but I didn’t really expect him to be there. In truth, I always passed by their neighborhood hoping to see him, but I never did.

I have not seen him in about 4 years; I was not at all ready to feel what I felt then when I first saw him. Again it wasn’t love at first sight, but the happiness I felt when I saw his smile for the first time in years and his excited reaction to seeing me made my heart swell to about 10x its size. But of course I played it cool. The following week, we were scheduled to cross paths again and I was not at all expecting the intensity of the excitement I felt. I pushed it away. I ignored it. I did not want to even entertain it. This was not some regular boy toy that I could flirt with today and forget tomorrow. This was Paulo.

August 28 I asked him if his band could play for our office function. We got to talking on Facebook and then he gave me his number, but it was just all about that, the band and the event.

September 1 I saw him again. We were with a group of people and we didn’t really talk, I couldn’t even look at him for fear he’d see me looking. It felt awkward especially with everybody teasing us. It was odd how I reacted to his presence. If I was over him why could I not open my mouth to speak? After I left the place, he texted me to apologize to how everybody was teasing us and then it happened. We were back to texting like maniacs about nothing and everything. Nothing mushy, nothing romantic – It felt like we were really just platonic friends. And then we started hanging out every day, after work. We would sit somewhere and just talk and talk and talk. We never ran out of stuff to talk about –just like how we were before. And then I felt it, that overwhelming happiness when I realized how much I missed actually talking to someone, how I missed talking to Paulo. Exchanging thoughts and ideas, not just me doing all the talking feeling like a clown all the while being judged for my seemingly unconventional ways.

The more we hung out, the tension grew and it wasn’t long till it would snap from the pressure. And the inevitable happened –we fell in love, again. We talked about our pasts, how we were kids who did not realize how good we had it. And then he apologized to me – a real apology, not one masked with pride and justification. And we broke down –I waited for him to acknowledge how much he hurt me and I apologized for spiting him with my rebound guy. We apologized for all the pain we caused each other. We laughed at our petty fights: about the length of my skirt, his temper, my temper, his jealousy, etc.

This time it felt greater. This time we both knew how it felt to lose each other. It was like we were made to separate for 4 years in order for us to mature just to be crossed with each at the perfect time.

But it wasn’t a perfect time. I had a boyfriend, I took care of his kid, and we had investments. But the love I felt for Paulo was too great. Not everyone gets to experience this. We had to try it. We had to make it work or else forever regret not giving it a second try when everything felt just so perfect between us.

With Paulo I was 100% myself. I did not feel the need to earn so much money so we can go places to look for happiness. I did not feel the need to meet other guys and sigh at what I was missing. With Paulo, we could be standing in the streets, and I felt perfectly at peace with the world. Happy, contented… at home.

We could just talk for hours on end and not get bored with each other. We could sit in silence without feeling awkward. It was the kind of in love that poets wrote about, that musicians sang about. It was the kind of love everyone dreamed about –it was the kind of love that people wrote books and movies about. Everyone coveted this kind of love, but not everyone had the courage to go out and gamble their hearts for it. But I did.

The thought of leaving the current relationship plagued me for a moment, mostly because I was scared of disappointing people and I was scared of what other people will say. For sure I will look like the biggest tramp. But then I realized that I would never get this chance again, and for sure as hell I will not lose Paulo again. I talked to my friends and family, to the people who matter, and told them everything. They understood and that gave me the courage to take the plunge.  

I chose my happiness. I chose Paulo. I tried to love people so very different from him --but in the end, we will always find a way home.

So here we are now, I know I have hurt people with the decision that I made. But hopefully in time, they will get better. I am so blessed. I am so happy. I am so over my head in love... not at the idea of love… but with my Siopau. Words cannot begin to explain the love I feel for him. I never knew I had this much to give to begin with. i cannot guarantee if this is forever, but I want it to be. I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. This time, I am not saying that "HE COULD BE THE ONE"; what I am saying is that I want him to be.